Throughout school people always said, "Don't worry about grades. Your grades now have nothing to do with your future success." I thought, "Oh no! Getting good grades is the only thing I'm good at!"
Throughout college people always said, "Don't worry if you don't know what you want to do yet. God will lead you. You can explore different things." I thought, "Is something wrong with me that I've known what I wanted to do for ten years? Am I limiting God's plan?"
Now I read blogs or articles or statuses from my peers in their early- to mid-twenties, and I still feel like I don't fit. I got married straight out of college and started my "real career," as one of my friends put it recently, by which I took it she meant the career I intend on retiring from. I'm not in grad school; I'm not doing some cool internship in Latin American.
It seems my whole life I have fit the traditional mold in a way that everyone is trying to tell you you don't need to fit, and so I have ended up not fitting.
I love being married, I love teaching [sometimes], but occasionally I feel like I missed being young - as in, something has to be wrong with either me or them, and I know too many of "them" to think they're irresponsible. But how do I feel so much responsibility already?
Part of it is being a teacher. Four years out of high school, I am responsible for high schoolers - "I need my medication." "I'm going to throw up." "Boy Z just pushed a pencil into my hand; can you take out the sliver?" "Can you warm up my sandwich?" "He pushed me!" "Someone stole my lemonade!" + the daily knowledge that I am responsible. In a fire, I am responsible for getting them out of the building. In a lockdown, I am responsible for getting them silent and against the wall. When they are too loud, I am responsible. When they fight, I am responsible. When someone's sister died, and he just ran out of class, and girl Y in the back is yelling at girl Q for hitting her with a book, and boy P needs a pencil, and girl T is about to throw up, and girl R lost her homework again, and no one is actually doing their work (yes, at the same time), I am responsible. When a girl runs out crying because another student is presenting about cars, and her boyfriend is in a coma from a car accident, and I can't find her in any of the bathrooms, I am responsible.
I read somewhere recently about how part of being a grownup is realizing that grownups don't call themselves that. But sometimes I just think, "When did I become this grownup?" There's no middle ground - someone was responsible for me, and now I am responsible for all of you!
Being a teacher is part being an actor - pretending to be this big firm adult. I think as you age, you have to pretend less because 1) you are actually adultier and 2) you look adultier, so you don't have to act so as much. The other day I accidentally called a student "dude." I apologized, but I don't think she had noticed. And of course, the daily battles of not laughing at the insulting or inappropriate jokes. And not telling anyone to shut up.
And here I wasn't going to talk about my job in this post!
I guess sometimes I just start to feel alone in doing what I thought was like...the appropriate path? And I'm just standing here being like, where is everyone else?
In college, we were all in college, majoring in different things, sure, but still in college. And now everyone is doing such different things, and not just different things, but in different...ways?
Snow day tomorrow! So here I am, up late (10:40, mock if you must), drinking my hot cocoa (with whipped cream from my fancy creamer), pondering over the state of things.
Sweet dreams,
Anneke
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
[ ]
Sometimes, when it gets to be so much
and I want to cry from looking into your tired eyes
and I lost the girl whose boyfriend is in a coma
and the boy whose 12-year-old sister just died
or the girl who cussed and ran out
and I don't even know why
or a boy is crying in front of me
and I can't fix it
when I just want to hug
but sometimes touching incites
when you push up a sleeve and see death carved in red
when another girl is gone to a center for a week or two
when the anger bubbles out
and the cussing
the pushing
the breaking
comes
and punishing the behavior won't do anything
when he writes me a letter
when she tells me what happened when she was five
when you worry that calling home might cause abuse
when you watch the video and there's a gun slung around
and go home to hear gunshots outside your window
when you wonder how long the yelling is going to go on
when the kids laugh at fighting
when you buy school supplies
because mama just can't fit a notebook in right now
when you can never count on Internet
when she writes her influential person essay about her grandma
gives it to her grandma on her birthday
and two months later, grandma dies
when grandma's picture is still on her binder
when it starts to seem like everybody's brother has died
and a journal about "I'll never forget" that you imagined ending with birthday parties ends with gunshots and death
a memoir reveals running across the border and worries about death
when it starts to seem like death is lingering in the corner
but everyone still cuts each other down
when you hold the shaking girl
when you force down the food
when you hold her so she can't throw up
when he tells you there's no food at home
when it all blurs together:
Facebook threats
scars
pride
bright eyes
tired eyes
wet eyes
all that's left is silence.
and I want to cry from looking into your tired eyes
and I lost the girl whose boyfriend is in a coma
and the boy whose 12-year-old sister just died
or the girl who cussed and ran out
and I don't even know why
or a boy is crying in front of me
and I can't fix it
when I just want to hug
but sometimes touching incites
when you push up a sleeve and see death carved in red
when another girl is gone to a center for a week or two
when the anger bubbles out
and the cussing
the pushing
the breaking
comes
and punishing the behavior won't do anything
when he writes me a letter
when she tells me what happened when she was five
when you worry that calling home might cause abuse
when you watch the video and there's a gun slung around
and go home to hear gunshots outside your window
when you wonder how long the yelling is going to go on
when the kids laugh at fighting
when you buy school supplies
because mama just can't fit a notebook in right now
when you can never count on Internet
when she writes her influential person essay about her grandma
gives it to her grandma on her birthday
and two months later, grandma dies
when grandma's picture is still on her binder
when it starts to seem like everybody's brother has died
and a journal about "I'll never forget" that you imagined ending with birthday parties ends with gunshots and death
a memoir reveals running across the border and worries about death
when it starts to seem like death is lingering in the corner
but everyone still cuts each other down
when you hold the shaking girl
when you force down the food
when you hold her so she can't throw up
when he tells you there's no food at home
when it all blurs together:
Facebook threats
scars
pride
bright eyes
tired eyes
wet eyes
all that's left is silence.
Sunday, January 10, 2016
For a lifetime
With all of the hubbub about state tests, sometimes I begin to forget that ultimately, I want my students to think critically and become lifelong readers and writers who engage with the people and world around them. I came back to that a little this week, with starting up third quarter independent reading ("We have to do that again? I thought we were done with that last semester!") and implementing daily journaling, with weekly blogging.
Over the Christmas holiday I bought more used YA novels to expand my classroom library, from which most of my students' independent books come. Mostly I bought a pile of Nicholas Sparks and Walter Dean Meyers. I introduced them, and my stack of new finds was gone by the end of the day (only 2 books were left for the 3rd class), with students fighting over who got some of them. I introduced The Host as a book by the same woman who wrote the Twilight series and an alien-invasion romance in which the aliens control your mind. A boy picked up on "alien invasion" and claimed it. Not saying boys can't like romance, but I don't think this book is what he is bargaining for.... Him, along with the boy who wrote in his journal that he chose The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy became he liked the movie. (If you've read and seen both, you'll understand why that's a terrible idea.)
Then the students mobbed around the bookshelf where I keep my library. "You don't have any books that I like," a student complained. "What kind of books do you like?" I asked. "Mysteries," he said, so I showed him House Rules, telling him it was about a teenage boy accused of murder. He and another girl got so excited about it that they are now sharing the book, and the girl is trying to get another copy.
I switched the Do Now to silent journaling for the first 5 minutes of class (thanks to my donors!), and so far, it's working wonders. For the most part, they actually sit there and journal silently! Starting the class peacefully is a life saver for me, and I think it rubs off on the rest of class for the students, too, since they have been forced to quiet down and engage for 5 minutes.
Friday I started student blogs, where I'm hoping they can expand one of their journal entries every week, and read and respond to their classmates'. You can see my class blog at msvanderhaak.edublogs.org. There's a list of student blogs on the lefthand side, but they're password-protected. So, for a taste...
"I'll never forget the taste of chocolate. I'll never forget the color of your eyes. I'll never forget what it is to be Mexican. I'll never forget the day i sang to you. I"ll never forget what it was to be 10 years old. I''ll never forget my name...."
"I'll never forget my mom's birthday and favorite color. I'll never forget the time I got to go to Nashville Shores with my childhood friends. I'll never forget the first time I got to hold my baby cousin. I'll never forget losing my cousin to gun violence. I'll never forget losing my granny to cancer. I'll never forget the first time I seen a snake...."
"I'll never forget my first love. I'll never forget my 15th birthday party. I'll never forget [name]. I'll never forget my first credit card. I'll never forget my dad. I'll never forget I am a child of GOD...."
"Well if I could go anywhere when I wanted it will be Mexico because I will be able to see my family again. It will be our first time seeing each other. I will go to the fair and the beach also. We will go and eat some Mexican food like tacos and some other things. We will go to some other places like the stores and buy things that see needs. It will make me happy to go and see her because she is very sick...."
"If I could take a road trip, I would go to Italy by myself maybe. I would go alone to get away and explore. I would eat their pizzas and pasta. I would like to shop and meet new people."
"If I could take a road trip anywhere, I would go to Mexico. Despite being of Mexican descent, I have never been to Mexico. I would like to know the place where my parent grew up in better. It would cool to see the cultural differences that it has compared to the US. I could also try foods that my mother doesn't know how to make, which would be an amazing experience. That's why I would go to Mexico...."
"If I had a personal robot it would be called Mrs. Pat. Mrs. Pat would be my best friend and my servant. She would help me out with my kids, help me cook, clean, and do my work for my job. She would go shopping with me and she would get to do whatever she want. She would look like a real human. She would be mixed with all races...."
"My robot servant would like Rihanna, and it will sing all of my favorite songs made by her. It will cook only meats and soul food. And read me bedtime stories as a singing tone till I completely fall asleep and well fed."
"My robot will always go shopping with me. She is going to be my best friend. It would have magic super powers that let her pick out gorgeous clothes for me. She would be able to fix me any type of food I want to eat. I will never have to pay for food again...."
***
In Sunday school this morning we talked about different types of love, one of them being covenant love, which "binds us to another person because God has commanded us to love" (Aaron 45). The writer expands, "In covenant love we love those who do not deserve love, who do not reciprocate our love.... In practicing covenant love we may have to act lovingly until we begin to feel love or even if we never feel love as an emotion" (45). That was a good reminder for me to love my students first. And that I don't need to feel guilty if I don't FEEL love for all of them all the time.
***
Then during the service, my 4-year-old biggest fan crawled under 5 pews to sit by me. Before proceeding to lick my lyric sheet. Love in all forms.
***
This past week we watched The Great British Baking Show, which is a fantastic show that I just want to live inside (or maybe just move to Britain). I think it inspired David a little, because yesterday he made pizza and bread, and this morning he made eggs Benedict. I'm contemplating trying some bread of my own this afternoon, but we did score some Christmas sale chocolates, so tea is already covered....
All in all, I would say that life is getting better! At least this week was better. Break reminded me that I do have loving support network and things I like to do, and that I am a real person outside of my job. This week seemed to allow a little space for that still, plus some of David and my New Year's resolutions to live a little more. So far, that's mostly translated into food, going out for Indian Friday night, working at Starbucks Saturday morning, and going to crepes Saturday afternoon. But we were out of our apartment so much! Yay us. And we're only 22. We're going to be really fun by the time we hit 30!
Now we have a jigsaw puzzle half completed (thanks Mom and Dad!), a dropped Phase 10 game out (25% off for teachers at Barnes and Noble this week!), my current novel The Ocean at the End of the Lane sits beside me, and visions of chocolates and bread are dancing in my head...along with the possibility of dragging David out for a walk in the brisk sunshine. Here's to a lovely Sunday afternoon.
Shalom,
Anneke
P.S. I'm adding some photos of our break at the end here (credit to Bette, Brian, Brandon, Caitlin, and Thomas) for anyone who hasn't seen them on Facebook - here are our smiling (and not so smiling)
faces!
Seattle, by Pike Place Market, with the Christopher
One of many many large meals out with the Vander Haaks (thanks for all the food)
David on Tony the reindeer
Photos of this break would not be complete without Guinness and Prudence
One of many delightful teas in Portland
Top of Multnomah Falls
More tea
My dearest darling - love to Beetlejuice and back <3
Over the Christmas holiday I bought more used YA novels to expand my classroom library, from which most of my students' independent books come. Mostly I bought a pile of Nicholas Sparks and Walter Dean Meyers. I introduced them, and my stack of new finds was gone by the end of the day (only 2 books were left for the 3rd class), with students fighting over who got some of them. I introduced The Host as a book by the same woman who wrote the Twilight series and an alien-invasion romance in which the aliens control your mind. A boy picked up on "alien invasion" and claimed it. Not saying boys can't like romance, but I don't think this book is what he is bargaining for.... Him, along with the boy who wrote in his journal that he chose The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy became he liked the movie. (If you've read and seen both, you'll understand why that's a terrible idea.)
Then the students mobbed around the bookshelf where I keep my library. "You don't have any books that I like," a student complained. "What kind of books do you like?" I asked. "Mysteries," he said, so I showed him House Rules, telling him it was about a teenage boy accused of murder. He and another girl got so excited about it that they are now sharing the book, and the girl is trying to get another copy.
I switched the Do Now to silent journaling for the first 5 minutes of class (thanks to my donors!), and so far, it's working wonders. For the most part, they actually sit there and journal silently! Starting the class peacefully is a life saver for me, and I think it rubs off on the rest of class for the students, too, since they have been forced to quiet down and engage for 5 minutes.
Friday I started student blogs, where I'm hoping they can expand one of their journal entries every week, and read and respond to their classmates'. You can see my class blog at msvanderhaak.edublogs.org. There's a list of student blogs on the lefthand side, but they're password-protected. So, for a taste...
"I'll never forget the taste of chocolate. I'll never forget the color of your eyes. I'll never forget what it is to be Mexican. I'll never forget the day i sang to you. I"ll never forget what it was to be 10 years old. I''ll never forget my name...."
"I'll never forget my mom's birthday and favorite color. I'll never forget the time I got to go to Nashville Shores with my childhood friends. I'll never forget the first time I got to hold my baby cousin. I'll never forget losing my cousin to gun violence. I'll never forget losing my granny to cancer. I'll never forget the first time I seen a snake...."
"I'll never forget my first love. I'll never forget my 15th birthday party. I'll never forget [name]. I'll never forget my first credit card. I'll never forget my dad. I'll never forget I am a child of GOD...."
"Well if I could go anywhere when I wanted it will be Mexico because I will be able to see my family again. It will be our first time seeing each other. I will go to the fair and the beach also. We will go and eat some Mexican food like tacos and some other things. We will go to some other places like the stores and buy things that see needs. It will make me happy to go and see her because she is very sick...."
"If I could take a road trip, I would go to Italy by myself maybe. I would go alone to get away and explore. I would eat their pizzas and pasta. I would like to shop and meet new people."
"If I could take a road trip anywhere, I would go to Mexico. Despite being of Mexican descent, I have never been to Mexico. I would like to know the place where my parent grew up in better. It would cool to see the cultural differences that it has compared to the US. I could also try foods that my mother doesn't know how to make, which would be an amazing experience. That's why I would go to Mexico...."
"If I had a personal robot it would be called Mrs. Pat. Mrs. Pat would be my best friend and my servant. She would help me out with my kids, help me cook, clean, and do my work for my job. She would go shopping with me and she would get to do whatever she want. She would look like a real human. She would be mixed with all races...."
"My robot servant would like Rihanna, and it will sing all of my favorite songs made by her. It will cook only meats and soul food. And read me bedtime stories as a singing tone till I completely fall asleep and well fed."
"My robot will always go shopping with me. She is going to be my best friend. It would have magic super powers that let her pick out gorgeous clothes for me. She would be able to fix me any type of food I want to eat. I will never have to pay for food again...."
***
In Sunday school this morning we talked about different types of love, one of them being covenant love, which "binds us to another person because God has commanded us to love" (Aaron 45). The writer expands, "In covenant love we love those who do not deserve love, who do not reciprocate our love.... In practicing covenant love we may have to act lovingly until we begin to feel love or even if we never feel love as an emotion" (45). That was a good reminder for me to love my students first. And that I don't need to feel guilty if I don't FEEL love for all of them all the time.
***
Then during the service, my 4-year-old biggest fan crawled under 5 pews to sit by me. Before proceeding to lick my lyric sheet. Love in all forms.
***
This past week we watched The Great British Baking Show, which is a fantastic show that I just want to live inside (or maybe just move to Britain). I think it inspired David a little, because yesterday he made pizza and bread, and this morning he made eggs Benedict. I'm contemplating trying some bread of my own this afternoon, but we did score some Christmas sale chocolates, so tea is already covered....
All in all, I would say that life is getting better! At least this week was better. Break reminded me that I do have loving support network and things I like to do, and that I am a real person outside of my job. This week seemed to allow a little space for that still, plus some of David and my New Year's resolutions to live a little more. So far, that's mostly translated into food, going out for Indian Friday night, working at Starbucks Saturday morning, and going to crepes Saturday afternoon. But we were out of our apartment so much! Yay us. And we're only 22. We're going to be really fun by the time we hit 30!
Now we have a jigsaw puzzle half completed (thanks Mom and Dad!), a dropped Phase 10 game out (25% off for teachers at Barnes and Noble this week!), my current novel The Ocean at the End of the Lane sits beside me, and visions of chocolates and bread are dancing in my head...along with the possibility of dragging David out for a walk in the brisk sunshine. Here's to a lovely Sunday afternoon.
Shalom,
Anneke
P.S. I'm adding some photos of our break at the end here (credit to Bette, Brian, Brandon, Caitlin, and Thomas) for anyone who hasn't seen them on Facebook - here are our smiling (and not so smiling)
faces!
Seattle, by Pike Place Market, with the Christopher
One of many many large meals out with the Vander Haaks (thanks for all the food)
David on Tony the reindeer
Photos of this break would not be complete without Guinness and Prudence
One of many delightful teas in Portland
Top of Multnomah FallsMore tea
My dearest darling - love to Beetlejuice and back <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)